Fall wont have me fallin no more!!!

It took me a long time to recognize that for the last decade or so every fall my life starts turning into shit. No matter how i think life is going well come fall drama unfolds in my life. I wasnt paying attention because I was in survivor mode. Whether it was homelessness, joblessness or both every fucking year it was something. Trying to maintain for my babies and not lose my damn mind because who would i leave them with? Even when their dad was out he wasnt stable enough for them he didnt even know them so that would have been almost a stranger, my family was toxic and so was his. I didnt have the safety to lose it. I would have been at war with whoever to get my children back because even though i raised everyone elses babies they wanted to project on me like i couldnt manage my own. When you are a people pleaser you tend to not see everything that was in front of you. Abuse comes in many flavors and convincing someone to utlize their gifts for your benefit while at the same time convinvg them they are not capbable of using those gifts for themselves is evil as fuck but hey a LOT of families and friend groups are just exactly like that.

When you feel like you have to keep earning peoples love you dont have enough energy to live. Proof that your happiness didnt count was having your accomplishments brushed off and minimized or ignored. Your special days were just days. These last 3yrs though Ive noticed that while each fall drama came it never hit the way it used to and I see that the difference was me. I knew i could handle it. I knew I could survive. I knew Spirit would take care of me. That woes is me, why doesnt xyz love me etc. all still there just not as loud and definitely not as overpowering. Now i can talk myself thru the "they know what they do" without the recriminations because at the end of the day no matter what they did, do or will do I'm still here. I didn't give up. I didnt lose it. I didnt kill myself. I didnt runaway and I KNOW for a fact i disappointed a lot of people by still standing and then having the nerve to thrive and keep going. Ok so i nternalized their behaviors and all that internal stress definitely donated to making fibro mama my reality but I'm still standing and thank yous are in order without them I truly wouldnt be me.