Relationships part 1 Blood Relatives

Relationships are hard to maneuver. Whether it's friendship, family, or people your in an intimate circumstances with. Knowing the best way to communicate with them can help You grow in emotional intelligence as well as a person. 

With fibro more often than not I distance myself from irl closeness. I hate being a burden. Feeling sick most of the time and knowing help is actually needed can be discouraging. I hate feeling like I'm a burden. I hate knowing that sometimes I am. 

Funny thing though in the last year I got yelled at by new people in my life. People who challenged me to love me more enough to walk away from unhealthy family dynamics, personal relationships that were one-sided and empty. I know my family tried in their way to help. They just didn't know how to give it in the manner I needed it.

Now knowing I really needed help and not knowing how to give it to me was one issue. The other big one was I saw things differently. I knew what love with no strings was supposed to be. I understood the nuances of history in every interaction even if they didn't get why their thinking was hurtful and their actions limited by lack of knowledge.. I finally understood that wasn't how I wanted my life to be, continually affected by the hurt I felt or my children either. So I made a verbal list ( I told my family the things that bothered me that needed to stop); hurtful actually damaging teasing, weight jokes, boyfriend jokes, expectations of females vs males and children vs adults...my feelings were fix it or stay away... I may not be perfect and I'm still stumbling in finding healthy and less to non damaging ways of raising my kids. Imma say this now and with realness imma keep fucking it up but dammnit my girls deserve me doing my damn best to love nurture and help them grow.

It sucks when you come from a culture that discourages emotional realness,

but has so many barriers on how it's supposed to happen and be acknowledged because emotional realness "is necessary". 

Don't get me started on Racism and emotional truth that's another blog topic in itself. 

Like I said relationships are hard but striving to love someone where they are as they are is a beautiful gift.

Realizations of the millionth kind

 It's been a tumultuous year. I went into it worried about stability again and, of course, I was angry because why was I once again in this position? I was doing everything I knew to, but I realized after a moment with my favorite muse ( a person that I care quite a lot for) that I was capable of more and some of my discarded ideas were worth dusting off, and so I did. In February, I relaunched my podcast with a different name and began posting general tarot messages. OH so nerve racking because when I cry you can hear it in my voice lol.  

I worried that all these extra mental stimuli would affect my fibro and have me missing big jags of time, but what happened instead was I found another way to keep working. Being ingenuitive helped me push over the humps that may have in the past kept me low for a longer period of time. I know with the winter coming I might go into hibernation of a sort, but I truly do love what I'm doing and I'm seeing an uptick in engagement, which means I am being heard and my words are not falling on deaf ears. Now some people aren't going to like me and I get that, but no more internalizing and letting that pain become a physical ailment!!

I I have come so far in how I see myself and my health in comparison to how I used to view myself.  The church had led me to believe health was my sinful burden from God. "Like Paul ", one of so sweet elders told me I was letting my sin eat me.  I remember thinking, but what if it wasn't my fault? You have no idea how many years I pleaded to God to heal me and free myself from myself so I could be more for my girls. To provide for me and my loved ones, that is literally all I wanted and one health issue after the other just kept coming.  

I didnt realize I was in this cycle I would get healthy. A helping hand would appear and I would expand my new energy on that person, because they helped me, then I would burn out and have to heal. They would no longer have need of me because I'm " broken",  so I heal alone get better and bam another or a repeater ( family) would appear and I would feel hey its equal give and take so lets go. The last time was a singular occasion....Lets just say I had to learn to have better boundaries and to take the blinders i still had on even after all those years away from the church off. 

Church hurt on top of child hood trauma no wonder I internalized so much everyone around me taught me it had to me not them so I would help them instead of defend myself. That guilt would eat my stomach of swallowing my words or turning the other check til my face felt raw and realizing it wasnt reciporated often caused a different ache i my stomach. 

My muse was one of the few people who encouraged me and then stayed wit me thru the thing giving up is the only time when the support would stop because that is when their loving foot was placed on my butt or they completely turned away from me.   Now a days I relish in knowing

 my muse is with me whether they are present or distant