good lord its been forever
I have yet to look at the last post to know when I last touched this particular blog. I would love to say I won't retake a mental health vacation because who really knows? Life be lifeing and pov about myself writing is harder than some may realize.
Cut-off season still is in effect. Friends, family, and ex-lovers were all either blocked or just walked away from. Many people tell me they are watchin' me but not enough interaction in real life and beyond especially as it was affecting my health, family, or business.
So many instances of biting my tongue to save a situation at the cost of hurting me in one way or another. No more. I can't ever fuss someone for allowing people who hurt them back in their life. Some do change, but even if they don't that is a personal journey, and not for anyone to judge that being said. It was easier to keep my boundaries with associates and distant friends, but family and close friends I kept forgiving for the potential and hope and the desire for love. Realizing it was just going to be dangled over my head as I leapt through hoops to the point of financial, physical, mental and emotional destitution i had to stop and walk away. No one chased me lol so...
Quite hnestly you have to get to a point where you stop pouring into others expecting you to grow out of them and accept what is really before your eyes. You then have to accept the rolling eyes and sighs were really indicators you should have left long ago instead of thinking you should try harder to get safe love from people who didn't love themselves safely, with kindness or genuine interest.
Figuring out how to truly love oneself is the next step and probably the hardest necessity or desire. It is a hard mindset to change. To reteach self-care in a realistic and uplifting way to one's self takes a lot of reconditioning and new self-talk. Falling back into the strict additions you added to some "moral" rules kept you so bound that when you broke free you initially just break. A few times or more you find yourself restarting, but its like you still have the experience points just no loot.
Your girl is focused on building up these businesses for the kids and their siblings to have a legacy for the grand babies and the great-grandbabies. I know that has been my goal for 20-plus years why the hell would I relinquish it now? Some people don't get a dream is not supposed to be practical nor is it supposed to be beautiful to others its YOUR dream and that is all that should ever matter and I am glad I finally know that. Especially with the severely low amount of free love around somehow, people have figured out how to capitalize off human kindness to such a degree people need kudos for giving someone a sandwich. The "Praise Kink " is GINORMOUS in the United States. I digress.
I love what I am doing and love that I get to be there for people and provide for my babies which is all I have ever wanted and now i can do it cuz the hindrances are gone and the self-imposed trauma bonds severed. I don't know when a trigger won't set me on my butt, but I know each day is just easier to smile, laugh and even sleep. My spiritual routine is nothing to praise it is ridiculous, but it is sincere. I truly am grateful Family has my back even if it is from the ethers. When you have been scapegoated your whole life you develop a unique way of seeing things and feeling accepted and loved you can tell the difference. That sense of abandonment is no longer paramount because you finally feel found.
No comments:
Post a Comment