Who wants to walk back to painful memories?
Scared to recall my rapes or molestation. Terrified to remember all the hurt in my need to be loved when all it was was a trauma response.
I never learned I was raised by a hurting person.
I determined that I wouldn't do that anyone. I thought I set them free but maybe I chained them to me.
Unable to accept discouragement cuz I felt I was really doing my best with the tools and knowledge growth.
Determined to not let anyone experience the loneliness and abandonment I felt I made sure to be there for everyone.
I still do. Yet, I wonder if I really did all I could and now I realize it doesn't matter I can't keep trying to fix the past.
All I can so is everyday be a little better. The older I get I saw my people behavior as my deteriment and started trying to say no. Funny people weren't as loving to me then. I used to wonder why did those who didn't want me to keep coming back. I was a band aid or a scapegoat either way I helped them feel better about themselves. I allowed myself to be that cuz i thought I deserved to be mistreated. I thought I was bad so I should be treated badly. I had to be bad that’s why I kept getting singled out for being myself in a negative manner repeatedly.it never occurred to me that I didn’t deserve the treatment I experienced but it also never occurred to me I was actually a product of my environment. Time only heals because hindsight brings wisdom.
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