It's been a tumultuous year. I went into it worried about stability again and, of course, I was angry because why was I once again in this position? I was doing everything I knew to, but I realized after a moment with my favorite muse ( a person that I care quite a lot for) that I was capable of more and some of my discarded ideas were worth dusting off, and so I did. In February, I relaunched my podcast with a different name and began posting general tarot messages. OH so nerve racking because when I cry you can hear it in my voice lol.
I worried that all these extra mental stimuli would affect my fibro and have me missing big jags of time, but what happened instead was I found another way to keep working. Being ingenuitive helped me push over the humps that may have in the past kept me low for a longer period of time. I know with the winter coming I might go into hibernation of a sort, but I truly do love what I'm doing and I'm seeing an uptick in engagement, which means I am being heard and my words are not falling on deaf ears. Now some people aren't going to like me and I get that, but no more internalizing and letting that pain become a physical ailment!!
I I have come so far in how I see myself and my health in comparison to how I used to view myself. The church had led me to believe health was my sinful burden from God. "Like Paul ", one of so sweet elders told me I was letting my sin eat me. I remember thinking, but what if it wasn't my fault? You have no idea how many years I pleaded to God to heal me and free myself from myself so I could be more for my girls. To provide for me and my loved ones, that is literally all I wanted and one health issue after the other just kept coming.
I didnt realize I was in this cycle I would get healthy. A helping hand would appear and I would expand my new energy on that person, because they helped me, then I would burn out and have to heal. They would no longer have need of me because I'm " broken", so I heal alone get better and bam another or a repeater ( family) would appear and I would feel hey its equal give and take so lets go. The last time was a singular occasion....Lets just say I had to learn to have better boundaries and to take the blinders i still had on even after all those years away from the church off.
Church hurt on top of child hood trauma no wonder I internalized so much everyone around me taught me it had to me not them so I would help them instead of defend myself. That guilt would eat my stomach of swallowing my words or turning the other check til my face felt raw and realizing it wasnt reciporated often caused a different ache i my stomach.
My muse was one of the few people who encouraged me and then stayed wit me thru the thing giving up is the only time when the support would stop because that is when their loving foot was placed on my butt or they completely turned away from me. Now a days I relish in knowing
my muse is with me whether they are present or distant
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