good lord its been forever

Fall wont have me fallin no more!!!

It took me a long time to recognize that for the last decade or so every fall my life starts turning into shit. No matter how i think life is going well come fall drama unfolds in my life. I wasnt paying attention because I was in survivor mode. Whether it was homelessness, joblessness or both every fucking year it was something. Trying to maintain for my babies and not lose my damn mind because who would i leave them with? Even when their dad was out he wasnt stable enough for them he didnt even know them so that would have been almost a stranger, my family was toxic and so was his. I didnt have the safety to lose it. I would have been at war with whoever to get my children back because even though i raised everyone elses babies they wanted to project on me like i couldnt manage my own. When you are a people pleaser you tend to not see everything that was in front of you. Abuse comes in many flavors and convincing someone to utlize their gifts for your benefit while at the same time convinvg them they are not capbable of using those gifts for themselves is evil as fuck but hey a LOT of families and friend groups are just exactly like that.

When you feel like you have to keep earning peoples love you dont have enough energy to live. Proof that your happiness didnt count was having your accomplishments brushed off and minimized or ignored. Your special days were just days. These last 3yrs though Ive noticed that while each fall drama came it never hit the way it used to and I see that the difference was me. I knew i could handle it. I knew I could survive. I knew Spirit would take care of me. That woes is me, why doesnt xyz love me etc. all still there just not as loud and definitely not as overpowering. Now i can talk myself thru the "they know what they do" without the recriminations because at the end of the day no matter what they did, do or will do I'm still here. I didn't give up. I didnt lose it. I didnt kill myself. I didnt runaway and I KNOW for a fact i disappointed a lot of people by still standing and then having the nerve to thrive and keep going. Ok so i nternalized their behaviors and all that internal stress definitely donated to making fibro mama my reality but I'm still standing and thank yous are in order without them I truly wouldnt be me.

Brahhhhhh

So here i am trying to do this work from home life right. Build a empire for my babies so they dont have to depend on the whims of others to survive mostyly cuz thats what we have dont their whole lives. The issue is I've been experiencing attack after attack. 

My page was reported constantly for two years. I know it was a friend on my page becuase my page was still private. So I made my page public. 

I figured someone didn't want whatever I was posting to get out. My business page has way less followers then my main account so it was internal and i don't play that so I said fuck privacy like it or not. 

I mean I occasionally make something private, but for the most part I just dont care. I used to get stomach aches from the fear of backlash from people I knew about things I posted.

 I actually had a former pastor try to chastise one of their church memeber for engaging in a open discussion about sex. The person had a kid and a whole ass husband, but was getting talked to in my comments like a 5 yr old. 

The level of Pharisee ( stickler for rules but no heart in the work) I was dealing with was burdenful.   The burden to be picture and word perfect in a imperfect world was bull shit, but as a Christian I thought I was supposed to be monitered and judged cuz that has us being accountable to each other. I mean I got accused of having a demon for being a normal kid who talked to boys and wanted to wear clothes that didnt make me look 40 at 15, but they must have seen something I didn't right? 

So unlearning that i had to answer to everyone about my life to move the way I needed to have any kind of social media presence that is as authentic as I truly want to be was hard.

 Still is sometimes. 

 Now things werent just emotionally hard I was stepping into DIVINATION. Church goer #1 no no.

 AHHHHH im a witch!!!

 NOT! 

 Although my own mother has told me that becuase I read tarot I'm a witch. Literally no conversation(to this day) and we are going on 5 years about what my actual spiritual practices are and what I believe or why I believe it.

 Thats beside the point though.

 I started learning about stones ( they are worn on Aarons garments in the bible), herbs (they used cannabis oil to prepare to go into the holy of holy's), soulmates, the ancestors and what it means to honor them, the history of tarot, zodiacs, numerology.

 Funnily I kept coming back to the fact I have always been drawn to or unknowingly was already walking this path even as I grew up in church. My insistance to know more than just what the bible presented prepared me to always be learning and to acknowledge I just dont know enough. 

 Ig I could I would love to tell some of the church people about the runes Boaz went to the front gate and asked the elders to toss ( casting of lots) to confirm his decision to marry Ruth, or that the table in the tabernacle had food for Abraham, Issac and Jacob is literally an ancestors altar that they maintained daily,the stones in the vestments ( high priest special robes) were for clarity, protection, opening the the chakras , and other things. 

They had prophets who saw visions and heard voices we would label them as schizophrenic now adays, but hey im the witch right so why is your mom walking around screaming at spirits to leave her babies alone??? 

 So I got this knowledge right and im feeling the need to share it. So I started small didnt want to push my radical ideas on anyone. Now I feeel like a jehovahs witness.. "Hey so you want to unpack that childhood trauma in some healthy ways?? Lets go get you a deep tissue massage, drink some tea and start at the beggining and then lets go even further in the past to see how its not just you its generations of pain that has complied to become you and the sum of your experiences." and im getting "doors" slammed in my face. 

Occasionally someone wants to know more and i have fun sharing what ive learned. My issue is becuase im exerting so much energy. Your girl has been burning thru spoons like I have a million. 

Im exhausted more often than not just sitting here with my phones and laptop and tablet taping out messages to toss in the void. Why am I telling yall this today? Cuz Im tired thats all. Blogger( 3 pages), FB ( 3pages) Instagram ( 2 pages) so much typing and I dont even have a word count and I need to utlize the podcast more often.

 Im just overwhelmed and still learning how to work smarter not harder. Flares abound more when I don't take care of my mental health too.

Relationships part 1 Blood Relatives

Relationships are hard to maneuver. Whether it's friendship, family, or people your in an intimate circumstances with. Knowing the best way to communicate with them can help You grow in emotional intelligence as well as a person. 

With fibro more often than not I distance myself from irl closeness. I hate being a burden. Feeling sick most of the time and knowing help is actually needed can be discouraging. I hate feeling like I'm a burden. I hate knowing that sometimes I am. 

Funny thing though in the last year I got yelled at by new people in my life. People who challenged me to love me more enough to walk away from unhealthy family dynamics, personal relationships that were one-sided and empty. I know my family tried in their way to help. They just didn't know how to give it in the manner I needed it.

Now knowing I really needed help and not knowing how to give it to me was one issue. The other big one was I saw things differently. I knew what love with no strings was supposed to be. I understood the nuances of history in every interaction even if they didn't get why their thinking was hurtful and their actions limited by lack of knowledge.. I finally understood that wasn't how I wanted my life to be, continually affected by the hurt I felt or my children either. So I made a verbal list ( I told my family the things that bothered me that needed to stop); hurtful actually damaging teasing, weight jokes, boyfriend jokes, expectations of females vs males and children vs adults...my feelings were fix it or stay away... I may not be perfect and I'm still stumbling in finding healthy and less to non damaging ways of raising my kids. Imma say this now and with realness imma keep fucking it up but dammnit my girls deserve me doing my damn best to love nurture and help them grow.

It sucks when you come from a culture that discourages emotional realness,

but has so many barriers on how it's supposed to happen and be acknowledged because emotional realness "is necessary". 

Don't get me started on Racism and emotional truth that's another blog topic in itself. 

Like I said relationships are hard but striving to love someone where they are as they are is a beautiful gift.

Realizations of the millionth kind

 It's been a tumultuous year. I went into it worried about stability again and, of course, I was angry because why was I once again in this position? I was doing everything I knew to, but I realized after a moment with my favorite muse ( a person that I care quite a lot for) that I was capable of more and some of my discarded ideas were worth dusting off, and so I did. In February, I relaunched my podcast with a different name and began posting general tarot messages. OH so nerve racking because when I cry you can hear it in my voice lol.  

I worried that all these extra mental stimuli would affect my fibro and have me missing big jags of time, but what happened instead was I found another way to keep working. Being ingenuitive helped me push over the humps that may have in the past kept me low for a longer period of time. I know with the winter coming I might go into hibernation of a sort, but I truly do love what I'm doing and I'm seeing an uptick in engagement, which means I am being heard and my words are not falling on deaf ears. Now some people aren't going to like me and I get that, but no more internalizing and letting that pain become a physical ailment!!

I I have come so far in how I see myself and my health in comparison to how I used to view myself.  The church had led me to believe health was my sinful burden from God. "Like Paul ", one of so sweet elders told me I was letting my sin eat me.  I remember thinking, but what if it wasn't my fault? You have no idea how many years I pleaded to God to heal me and free myself from myself so I could be more for my girls. To provide for me and my loved ones, that is literally all I wanted and one health issue after the other just kept coming.  

I didnt realize I was in this cycle I would get healthy. A helping hand would appear and I would expand my new energy on that person, because they helped me, then I would burn out and have to heal. They would no longer have need of me because I'm " broken",  so I heal alone get better and bam another or a repeater ( family) would appear and I would feel hey its equal give and take so lets go. The last time was a singular occasion....Lets just say I had to learn to have better boundaries and to take the blinders i still had on even after all those years away from the church off. 

Church hurt on top of child hood trauma no wonder I internalized so much everyone around me taught me it had to me not them so I would help them instead of defend myself. That guilt would eat my stomach of swallowing my words or turning the other check til my face felt raw and realizing it wasnt reciporated often caused a different ache i my stomach. 

My muse was one of the few people who encouraged me and then stayed wit me thru the thing giving up is the only time when the support would stop because that is when their loving foot was placed on my butt or they completely turned away from me.   Now a days I relish in knowing

 my muse is with me whether they are present or distant

Roman Empire thoughts

I don't know what got into me but I figured if I'm going to be trapped in bed the least I could do would be to learn about some subjects I like.

Yesterday I picked Roman history and I've been immersed for hours and don't want to stop.

I've learned about the Empire from Augustus to Constantine and the growth and spread of what would become the foundation of government the world wide. 

Knowing the U.S. is the new Rome (although few would even understand the parallel that I'm casting by making that statement) was once just a idea in my head now it is definitely cemented in my thoughts. 

Pig wars way more common than you think. Architecture like vaulted ceilings and actual sewer systems are two things we still utilize in our modern life. 

Good lord the pictures we see never truly show how disgusting Rome was because we focus on the buildings and the written works of the wealthy who got to avoid a lot of the everyday life common for more of the population. 

When you think of Britain you think Colonizers because that's what the forefathers set out to do but they were Italian before they were stout Enlish citizens. 

Rome had control of every county connected to Mediterranean and the scope of differences each area represented was so widespread making them disappear in order to make a area more Roman seems the most likely method to conquer in actuality it was a popularity contest that kept the peace.

If you was rich with proven gravitas to your family history you got to become a full citizen, just rich but questionable ancestors half citizenship, poor but ambitious join the army or earn enough and apply for citizenship after you have saved up for probably decades but hey your family will get to keep your status once you die if you have a son. 

I'm only on my second disc and 12 lessons in and I love clas in my bed lol. Tomorrow I hope to begin psychology classes well at least by the end of the week. Pain can stop my body but I will always find ways to learn. 

Changes

The changes that  are usually unexpected are the ones where growth occurs. More energy means more day planning. Not knowing how or where to apply that energy can have catorstrophic consequences to you or those helping you.

For me it's not doing to much so I'm not dependent on my kids for everything. You know they didn't sign up to be nurses they want to have experienced and gave the space to dream. 

Not being able to work robbed me of dreaming for them and the freedom they might have been relieved to feel to dream bigger. 

The expectations I felt forced to place on my kids out of necessity to others and their unfortunate need to lean on those other as I wasn't reliable to be a constant support. It hurt and still hurts. Simple things I couldn't do for mine that others did and had the nerve to scoff over are at me for ages.

Now I dare to stand alone and be that pillar my babies need. Boy I tell you it's scary and lonesome sometimes, but the freedom of not being bound and able to just be us together is a healing I never believed I'd experience. Deep down I just wanted a home and to provide for my babies, help my fellow man and be loved as I loved in return. 

I now truly feel that's possible that my foundation will finally stand and my babies will finally get the foothold they deserve in life. 

I may have been knocked about by changes in life before but I have learned to ride the wave instead of being yanked under and I savor it. God keeps bringing ya girl thru when it seems impossible.